stupidity in the 40th millenium
by TeaTimeBrit
Summary: a guardsman writes into his diary about the ridiculous things he has to deal with on a day to day basis. (this is set in the if the emperor had a text to speech device, ignore any plot holes. such as our resident guardsman knowing too much.)
1. Chapter 1

ahhh, so you want to know what an average day in the imperial guard is eh? you want to know about the stupid shit and idiotic things i have seen and done?

no?

well too bad, i'm telling you anyway.

* * *

my story begins, in the...well i was gonna say glorious battlefield of armegeddan, but come on, there aint anything glorious about getting cleaved in half by a big green dude with an oversized tire iron.

so long story short. orks are making a massive push on the eastern hemisphere of armageddan, the general in charge of that area, who i happended to be serving under, decided it would be a good idea to "meet the greenskin menace in honorable melee"

ok, first of.

there isn't anything honorable about stabbing someone with a blade, no matter the situation.

sencond of all.

melee combat with orks is what i like to call, absolutly fucking stupid on a level not even an ork could reach . seriously, the dumb fuck must of been snorting ork spores to think that was a good idea.

you may have noticed that i am particularly bitter about that.

remember that ork with the tire iron. yeah, that wasn't fun.

but hey, at least i got some sweet cybernetic legs out of it, so i guess it wasn't that bad.

ok, it was fucking horrorfying, but you understand, reading this on your fancy 2nd millenium machine.

...

...

why did i say that?

alright, i'm just gonna put this down and go help the others with unloading the supplies,

4th degree warp fuckery really messes with the head.

sheesh.

* * *

(AUTHERS NOTE) so, for those who have read my other stories, i wish to apologize, i keep on creating new stories and then forgetting they ever existed.

i think the issue with that is that i can't write a serious story to save my life.

so, this is my new project, a completely satirical take on the warhammer universe, set in the TTS universe, where everything is grimderp, which is much easier than writing in grimdark style, i just don't have the mental abilities for that kind of stuff. it's much easier to write a humor story. i don't have to worry about that ''thinking nonsense''.

my next chapter will come once i have finished writing it.

whenever that will be.

seeya around.


	2. Chapter 2

_**jakes log.**_

_**day: fuck if i know.**_

_**time: who gives a shit o'clock**_

_**planet: does it really matter?, they all look the same anyway.**_

_**regiment: 467th harkon trench crawlers. (shitty name)**_

* * *

so. yeah. this is my life, trudging through knee deep gore infested with ork spores and emperor knows what, i guess it's good that my legs are bionic, who knows what kinda nasty shit would happen if this touched my skin.

hold on a sec.

so, yeah, some poor sod just tripped and fell face first into this shit and is now screaming in agony.

remember kids! always tie your bootlaces, if the terrain doesn't kill you, the commisar will!

seriously, they take shit to the extreme, truth be told i think they are just looking for a reason to shoot something that isn't big, green and mean.

can't blame them.

well. I _CAN_, but it just isn't worth it, y'know?

i mean, i'm not going to just walk up to a commisar and say "hey! you should stop killing us!"

the last person to do that ended up getting stripped naked, hung by their legs and used as target practice for those mini com- sorry, commisars in training.

i mean, he had it coming, the dude was a massive douch, but, there are better ways of dying.

you know, after writing that, i suddenly realise that nobody can find this now.

shit talking commisars...

i'm an idiot.

me joining the imperial cannon fodder really proves that point.

look, chances are, i'm gonna be dead by the time someone other than me reads this, so does it really matter?

here look, i'll show you how little i care.

horus did nothing wrong.

the emperor is dead

sanguinius looked like a partridge.

see? of course now i'm gonna have to be extra paranoid..

yikes, that dude is still screaming in pain.

actually i think more people are screaming, give me a moment.

...

...

those are orks.

...

...

fuck.

* * *

well, that was terrifying, as if someone screaming, "THEY ARE IN THE GORE" doesn't fill you with enough dread.

I honestly have no idea how I survived that,

I'll just call it luck and leave it at that.

some poor bloke took a grenade to the chest, I'm still trying to get him out of my hair.

how many have died today I wonder.

10,000? 20,000?

can't even keep track anymore.

at least it's not raining.

* * *

I should have kept my mouth shut.

it's raining now.

yay.

* * *

I've been asked by some why I write in my diary.

I answer with "why the hell not?"

besides, space marines do it, and I don't think there is a law about that.

I wonder, what do the space marines write though?

* * *

_**dear diary, today, brother lokan got smacked in the face by an ork with a frying pan the size of a leman russ.**_

_**I've no idea how the greenskin managed to do that, or why a frying pan of such size exists.**_

_**we dealt with the ork as we should...after we stopped laughing.**_

_**on other subjects, i have noticed a guardsman who spends most of his time writing in a diary. i wonder what he writes on his pages?**_

* * *

they probably write down kill counts and litanies.

….

the space marine is looking at me.

I'll just go and make myself useful, wouldn't want to look like a slacker infront of the emperors angels.


	3. Chapter 3

haven't had a chance to sit down and write in this for a few weeks now. do i have some stories to tell.

where to start?

well, about an hour, maybe two hours after the last time i wrote in here, another ork push happened.

i'll try to recollect as much as i can, but to be honest the entire thing was just a big blur of green, red, chainswords and screaming. and maybe a little bit of hilarity.

"but jake" i hear you ask, "how can a brutal melee with orks be hilarious?"

have you seen how they fight?

they spend more time fighting themselves than they fight us.

there was a nob, it was going for the commissar, and it endud up getting punted to the side by one of those ork psykers, weird boyz i think they are called.

anyway, the oversized sack of warpshit started screaming at the nob, saying, and i quote "what you doin' ya stupid git!? doze ones make humies fight betta, what are ya, a panzie!?"

so yeah, an ork saved our commissar because he makes us fight better on threat of death.

stupid piece of shit.

the commissar having noticed the commotion preceded to blast both ork in their heads.

suffer not the xeno to live i guess.

i mean, the psycho with a fancy coat didn't survive the battle in the end, so i guess it was all for nought.

actually no.

one less enemy psyker.

one less commissar.

that's actually a pretty good tradeoff if i i'm being honest with you.

the battle ended as they usually do, with the orks being pushed back, and some dumbass ordering us to make chase.

i won't go into details, but i saw more than a few people end up with their innards on the wrong side of their ribcage.

while the ribcage was still intact.

i'm going to stop thinking about it. my head hurts.

i wonder what orks do when they aren't fighting?

probably looking for a fight knowing them.

anyway, enough of the greenskins and the general stupidity that happens when they are in the area.

* * *

i realize i haven't properly introduced myself yet.

right, where do i start?

well, my name is jake borealis.

i come from a backwater agri world that smells constantly of grox manure.

my family is decently well off.

i have 3 siblings.

2 of them are brothers who stayed home to help at the farm.

the other one is a sister.

literally.

as in those white haird chicks that have a fetish for flamers.

she's a good person. but she never shuts up about how amazing the emperor is and how she would love to see him in person.

i wouldn't be surprised if she has a pinup of him.

i just realised that if she were to read this diary, she would burn me at the stake.

that's a comforting thought.

infact i think thats her over there, may as well go see how she is, haven't seen her in a while.

i wonder when i'll next get a chance to write in this?


	4. Chapter 4

it's been about two terran weeks since i last wrote in this. to be honest, not much has happened really. there was a minor ork push on our lines but they were pushed back without to much difficulty, minor losses on our side thankfully.

we also got a new commissar. which i'm divided on.

he isn't to bad of a guy truthfully. he's pretty laid back and chill. though he is still a commissar, and he does shoot people, so it's not all sunshine and daisys.

'course, when is it ever sunshine and daisys in the imperium?

scuttlebut is saying that eldar have been spotted planetside. they haven't attacked our forces yet, but it's only a matter of time.

out of all the races in this fucked up galaxy, the eldar take the number one spot for my shitlist.

i mean, they are the ones that got us into this mess in the first place when they quite litterally murderfucked a god into existance. and in the process fucked ancient humanity up to the point that we just collapsed.

from what little i know, humanity was a massive galaxy wide federation.

a federation.

as in, there were more than just humans.

gives me the shivers just thinking about it. i mean really? we were friendly with xenos?

i don't despise every xeno out there. but ancient humanity allowed these xenos to keep their powers and millatary, which came back to bite us in the ass when the great asshole opened up and shat out those warpstorms.

those aliens turned on us when we needed them most.

it explains why the emperor wanted them gone. he did live through it after all.

i wonder what it was like back then though?

a humanity that didn't have to go to war on thousands of fronts. that wasn't regressed to the point that we may as well be using mudballs and sticks.

sometimes you will come across an ancient ruin, or a derelict floating in deepspace. that give us a glimpse of our past glory.

from what i've heard the ark mechanicus, the flagship of the mechanicum, is a dark age warship.

fucking hell.

that thing shoots blackholes for fucks sake, and if the rumors are true, it can also turn back time by a few seconds, so that the shots don't miss.

holy. fucking. shit.

and that thing was considered a cruiser.

what the fuck were we capable of back then.

and what the fuck were we fighting that warranted such weapons?

scary thoughts.

It's insane how powerful we were. and yet, we were still brought low.

but unlike the eldar who stew in their past glory and are to stubborn to leave it, we humans rose back up and once again became a major galactic power. the eldari empire will never return.

the knife ears like to rub into our faces just how superior they are to us.

if they are superior to us, then why haven't they beat us?

we have demonstrated time and time again, that we will not be bested, that we will not sit back.

what do the eldar do? they redirect tyranids onto innocent agri worlds, backstab us whenever they can, even if we helped them in good intentions.

the eldar had their chance and they blew it.

it's humanity's turn now.

* * *

(AN) just wanna say, thanks for the review. and i'm glad people enjoy this story. ;)

until next time! ave imperator.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

i've been thinking about expanding into other characters points of views, like i did with the space marine in earlier chapters. i don't know if i should though, i'll leave it up to you lot, do you want more people, or should i stick with the guardsman?

one other thing. this story now sits at 2k words and 8 follows. this is officially the best story i have written so far! thank you for supporting it and i hope i don't disappoint in the future :)

now then, while it is awsome that i have so many followers, i'd like to make a request.

please for the love of the god emperor, review the story, i need to know what improvements i need to make, and what you think in general. plus, reviews help boost my moral.

oh also, the writing style of this story is meant to be like our MC is writing in his diary.

with that said. enjoy the chapter!

* * *

I'm finally being transferred from Armageddon to somewhere else.

YES!

i'm now going to be spending the next 6 months in an oversized coffin with guns as it plows through a literal hellscape like a black templar on warp dust.

NO!

and if that doesn't turn a bad situation into a FUBAR situation, it turns out that the actual black templars will be traveling with us.

which means we are going somewhere that will make armageddon look like a sunny outing in a park.

FUCK!

as long as the templars don't get too zealous , i'm sure i will make it out more or less alive. probably not in one piece though.

why couldn't it have been the salamanders? they are a helluva alot easier to get along with.

i mean, their preffered method of killing people is to hug them to death.

not a bad way to go truthfully.

getting hugged to death by a big green guy with glowing red eyes and coal black skin ranks pretty high up on my 'things i want to be killed by' list

deamonette is number one by the way.

i mean, if i'm going to die. might as well die motorboating, y'know?

i probably shouldn't be writing about this when i'm on a ship filled with some of the most fanatical space marines this side of the milky way.

but hey, when has that ever stopped me?

* * *

So. here i am, stuck on a bigass ship for several months, and i have nothing to do.

black templars have been pretty calm all things considered.

no mass executions or anything.

weird.

when dorns angry boys came aboard, i thought that the purging would begin almost immediately.

i am dissapointed.

at this point i'm hoping the gellar field will break.

anything to break the monotony.

* * *

so, we still haven't been told who or what we are fighting.

is it gonna be endless orks?

unkillable necrons?

untouchable eldar?

invincible traitor marines?

insane cultists?

ravenous tyranids?

blood hungry khornate beserkers?

magic space wizards with one to many eyes to be considered safe?

walking talking virus bombs of nurgle?

big tittied deamonettes of slaanesh?

i hope it's big tittied deamonettes of slaanesh. as i said before, if i'm going to die, i want to die motorboating.

i was tempted to put tau in the list, but lets be honest, the tau are fucking pansies.

they have vagina forheads for fucks sake!

evolution can be a bitch sometimes.

you know what? my hand is starting to ache, so i'm gonna finish up.

heres hoping the black templars actually do something to break my boredom that doesn't involve me being set on fire.

they can do it to others, just not me.

yeah i'm selfish, so what?

* * *

AN: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I'm going to be spending more time working on this story, which means I'll be putting more effort into it. more effort means bigger chapters. so the next chapter probably won't be out for a week at most.

thanks for reading, and I'll see you all soon.


	6. Chapter 6

so, i found out why the black templars haven't been committing acts of arson on the ships crew.

so, you remember how the emperor can communicate with a text to speech device?

no?

i'll fill you in later on.

but anyway, the emperor hosted a voxcast session in order to teach us lowly mortals about...stuff, i guess.

well, in the latest voxcast, the high marshal of the black templars was brought to the emperor personally.

the dressing down that happened was legendary.

hellbrecht, the high marshal, went into the throne room raging and screaming.

when he left, there was a distinct lack of the aformentioned raging and screaming.

basically, the emperor told the black templars to stop blasting linkin loyalists and purging inoccent people, and to actually help the populace.

which worked.

the black templars on the ship have just been sitting around, training and generally being a surprisingly decent bunch!

they aren't salamanders level nice, but they are getting there.

hell, i saw a templar greet the astropath. they never do that!

maybe this trip won't as bad as i thought.

hopefully.

* * *

2 weeks have gone by since i last wrote in this book. and holy shit was it a wild ride.

we finally arrived at our destination.

which was under siege by dark eldar.

i'm fairly certain my screams of rage mad khorn proud.

if i haven't said it enough. i fucking hate the eldar. more than i hate MRE's.

which tastes like someone ground up a dead body and sprinkled salt on it.

ugghh.

back to the story.

so we make planetfall after destroying the blockade, which was pitiful if i'm being truthful.

once we landed, we were almost turned into mush by panicking civies, thinking we were here to rescue them, which we were mind you, but not in a rinky dinky drop ship.

they backed off pretty fast when they saw the black templars though.

we make our way through the refugee camp to where the planetary governer was at. which was when we got the biggest surpirse of the millenium.

i was expecting the governer to be some fat, bald man dressed in robes and drinking from a jewel incrusted goblet.

what we instead got was caiphas cain.

WHAT THE FUCK!?

turns out that the hero of the imperium had killed the previous owner of the planet after it turned out he was tainted with chaos. with no other person suitable for leadership, he was elected governer.

even the templars were surprised at this revelation.

needless to say, the invasion didn't last much longer. infact, as i write this, i am currently on a dropship to deal with the eldar remmnants.

i also heard some rumors that cain will be joining our fleet.

i hope he does, victory is assured when he is with us.

with how good things have been going recently, i wouldn't be surprised if the primarch guilliman woke from his slumber to lead the imperium once more.

heres hoping.

though i have noticed something. our fleet is getting progressivly larger, we have millions of guardsmen, a chapters worth of black templars, caiphas cain himeself.

we also have a couple inquisitors with us.

something big is going on.

something really big.

and it's no secret that we have been going in the direction of the eye of terror.

i have a hunch about what's going on.

i hope to the emperor that i'm wrong.

but i think that a new black crusade is coming.

i hope i'm wrong, i hope this is just a coincidence.

but knowing my shitty luck.

well.

shit.

I'm going to stop now, get some shut eye.

hopefully the dark eldar will roll over and let us kill them.

hopefully.


	7. skit chapter 1

A/N: i decided to do a qiuck skit chapter, lots of dialogue in this. this does not hold much significance to the rest of the story. also, thank you for the favourites and follows. makes me happy to see so many people enjoying my story! with that being said, onto the skit.

enjoy.

* * *

"can i punch him?"

"no."

"can i stab him?"

"no!"

"can i put him on top of a baneblade and use him for target practice?"

"NO!, WHERE WOULD YOU EVEN GET A BANEBLADE!? WE ARE ON A ROK!"

the space wolf shrugged his shoulders, his collosal pauldrons creaking at the movement, grinding on the ears of the inquisitor, though he wouldn't comment on it aloud.

"i don't know, this is the orks we are talking about, the rules of the universe don't apply to them like it does for us."

the inquisitor gritted his teeth in frustration, it was no secret that the emperors executioners and the inquisitions relationship was, difficult to say the least.

his thoughts were cut short when the ork began laughing.

the inquisitor turned his attention back to the greenskin.

"what are you laughing about you damnable creature?" he asked in annoyance, which only got worse the longer he had to deal with the space marine.

the ork stopped laughing and, after taking a few deep breaths, spoke.

"you umies really 'tink i'm gunna tell you where it is? you must be squiggin madder dan a wierd boy" the ork began laughing again.

the space wolf strode forward until he was right infront of the ork. turning to the inquisitor he spoke.

"step back milkdrinker, let me show you how you interrogate an ork, you might want to get behind cover, wouldn't want to get your fancy coat all messed up now would we?"

the inquisitor growled in frustration but yielded to the astartes, he moved back to a safe distance and waited.

the marine turned back to the greenskin.

"now then you little shit."

the marine grabbed the ork by it's tusks and hoisted him up to face level.

"WHERE ARE THEY!" the marine roared, as he began shaking the ork, who looked surprised to say the least.

"WOT?" the ork yelled in surprise.

the astartes began shaking the ork even more and shouted again.

"THE STC FRAGMENT YOU STUPID ANIMAL, WHERE IS THE STC FRAGMENT?!"

the orks tusks began to make a cracking sound. the marine took no notice of this, continuing his interrogation.

the ork began to panic.

"IZ DUNNO WERE DA FRAGMENT IS!, IZ JUST A NOB!"

the marine roared in anger and began thrashing the ork about, until, with a tearing sound, the orks tusks came free.

the ork, with nothing holding him up anymore, flew backwards into the wall with a sickening crunch, slid down, and didn't get back up.

the space wolf look from the tusks still gripped in his gauntlets, to the corpse on the floor and back to the tusks.

"well. i didn't expect that to happen." the wolf murmured in surprise.

the inquisitor strode foward in anger and began yelling.

"WHAT IN THE EMPERORS NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU!?, THAT WAS THE LAST LIVING ORK ON THIS DAMN ROK, POSSIBLY IN THIS SECTOR!"

the marine merely grunted, before appraising the tusks, they were surprisingly strong, and sharp, he may be able to turn them into daggers, and barring that, maybe turn them into ornaments.

as he was doing this, the inquisitor was ranting.

"AND BECAUSE OF YOU THE FORGEWORLD IS GOING TO- ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME!?"

"nope" the marine spoke, as he continued to admire the tusks.

the inquisitor growled before stalking off, maybe he could find the STC fragment, without being forced to interrogate an ork, and deal with the oversized mutt in power armour.

his hopes were dashed when he heard the stomping footsteps of the space marine following him.

"so." the astartes spoke, "who are we going to be interrogating next?"

the inquisitor broke down and screamed in frustration, as the space marine began laughing.

truly, they were the emperors finest.

FIN.


	8. quick note

hey all, thank you for reading and enjoying my story, just a quick note.

due to writers block, i'm a little bit stuck on how to progress the story, i could just fast foward to when the MC's get to cadia, but i feel that will break the flow of the story, especially since i've been adding so many well known figures to the merry band (caiphas cain) i want to flesh them out in their own style.

caiphas's pov being written in the style of the novels, (which i haven't read)

the guardsmans pov being written in the diary style that i started out with.

i also want to flesh out the inquisitor and the space wolf from the previous chapter. i feel there is a lot of potential for those two, enough that they will hopefully become a bigger part in the overall story. a dynamic duo that loves to annoy one another. like a buddy cop movie, except they are both bad cops. and the victims have a survival rate of 10%.

yeah.

that'll be fun.

i apologize for this not being a actuall chapter, rest assured, it will come out within the next month, i just need to figure out how it's going to be done.


	9. skit numero dos

**A/N**

**my most sincere apologies for the delay, i just can't seem to find a good way to progress the story from the guardsmans point of view. as such, i shall continue to world build, and set up the story in a way that will make it much less difficult in the long run to continue.**

**have no fear, this is a chapter, just not a diary one.**

**a shall repent by taking a five day phosphex bath. much screaming will come of it, but when it is over i shall emerge a new man.**

**or dead.**

**whichever works.**

* * *

the inquisitor resisted the urge to place a live grenade in his mouth and pull the pin. he was after all, on a very important mission, and to die before it was over would be extremely rude.

he decided to bang his head onto a desk instead.

repeatedly.

"i cannot for the life of me, fathom how you managed to survive your trials wolf" he spit out.

the marine shrugged his shoulders. "honestly it surprises me as well. i mean, i was the town drunkard before i was chosen for the trials, which is strange now that i think about it. i was only 10 years old at the time. actually, now that i think about it, that was probably how i passed them"

the inquisitors eyebrows furrowed. "you passed a space amrine trial, blackout drunk?"

the marine nodded and spoke "well. yes, but i was an exception to the rule."

"and how, pray tell, were you the exception?"

the marine shrugged again.

"i had a habit of drinking the mead hall dry." he grinned "i still do, now that i think about it"

the space wolf began to laugh, a loud boisterous thing that could've woken the mepror himself.

a groan sounded from the floor which brought the duo back to the mission.

"by vects spiky ballsack, why are you mon'kiegh so loud, would it kill you to tone it down?"

the drukhari groaned again as she came back to full consiousness, before realising she was tied up in rebar, thanks to the efforts of the astartes.

"huh? what? LET ME GO!" she screamed in rage.

"no." came the deadpan reply from the duo.

the dark eldar hissed in anger.

the inquisitor turned to the marine and spoke. "i think it is best that i do this interrogation, i don't have to remind you about the ork do i?"

the marine sniffed and began polishing his ceramonial daggers, crafted from a pair of ork tusks. "i have no idea what you are talking about" he muttered.

the inquisitor rolled his eyes and turned back the eldar.

"ok xeno, i'm pressed for time, so i will keep this short and simple. where is the STC fragment?"

the eldar hissed again but spoke "and why should i tell you anything human?" disdain clear in her voice.

"because us three are the only living people on this ship" he spoke.

she tilted her head in confusion, "what's that got to do with it?"

the inquisitor rolled his eyes again "it means that your kabal leader is dead, I'm no expert but I'm fairly certain you don't become leader of a dark eldar strike force by looking pretty"

he frowned "unlike some people" he muttered under his breath.

the xenos skin went pale as she realized how dire her situation was.

"ok, human, lets not do anything hasty, I'm sure we can come to an agreement!" she laughed nervously.

the inquisitor raised his eyebrow. "just like that? i was expecting more resistance from you"

the space wolf muttered under his breath, "the drukhari are all milkdrinkers, it isn't surprising she would be so cowardly"

the human hummed and stood up "so you know where the fragment is?"

the witch nodded her head vigorously. "yes! yes i know where it is, if you release me i can show you!" a hopeful look on her face.

the space wolf chuckled. "do you really think we are going to let you go eldar?" he snorted, "not a chance in hel*"

the inquisitor hummed again, "well we can't leave her here." he clicked his fingers as he got an idea.

turning to the space marine he spoke. "carry her" he said simply.

the marine grinned, "I'm beginning to like you milksop"

the eldar began to thrash as the marine approached her.

"DON'T YOU DARE MON'KIEGH, DON'T YOU FUCKIN-"

her screams were cut short as the marine hoisted the wytch onto his shoulder. "right then" he grinned. "point the way girly"

the eldars screams of rage made khorn proud.

* * *

**A/N. *hel is the Nordic term for hell, pretty fucking simple. of course, they were Vikings, soooo...**

**welp, I'm going for that phosphex bath now. toodles.**


	10. Chapter 7

Emperors rotting balls. when was the last time I wrote in this? 4 months? 6? eh, no matter, I'm here now, so I guess that's all that really matters in the end.

So, let's see? what has happened these past months?

well, for starters, we are now moving on to Cadia. the drukhari invasion was dealt with quickly all things considered, hell, we even got the hero of the imperium himself with us.

as well as an inquisitor.

she looks grumpier than the black templar captain after he was told to stop being a raging psychopath by the high marshal. which in my humble opinion, I thought was impossible, but hey! I'm here, so, something has changed with the BT's.

getting a dressing down by the emperor himself probably had something to do with it.

I will be honest, the invasion and the fight with the dark eldar has humbled me a little bit. Spending several months in close quarters combat with a race of hyper intelligent space ninjas who revel in causing pain to themselves and others would humble all but the most obnoxious of people.

Speaking of obnoxious people, the fleet has a couple penal legions joining us, comprised mostly of nobles from a world that tried to secede from the imperium.

While a space marine chapter was in orbit.

Yeah.

At least I'll get to laugh at those fat fucks when they get sent to the frontlines.

Morbid? Yeah, but let's be honest, a good 70% of nobles are greedy, power mad asshats who think being born in the upper spires means you are of a higher cut than the normal masses.

Little secret between you and me.

Nobles, peasants, space marines, primarchs, the emperor. We all bleed the same blood.

Mostly.

I'm fairly certain the techpriests don't have blood at all. Can't be too sure, I'll have to keep an eye on them next time a battle comes up.

Which will probably be soon, the warp currents are getting choppy.

Which can only mean one thing.

We are approaching Cadia.

Emperor protect my soul.

* * *

AN: this chapter is sorely lacking for something that has taken me several months to push out. I apologize. this pandemic has got everyone on edge, makes it hard to concentrate, y'know? anyway, thanks for reading, remember to review, any criticism is welcome, just keep the naughty words to a minimum.

goodbye for now my dear readers, until next time.


	11. Chapter 11

Greetings my dear readers.

it's been a while hasn't it? 6-7 months since the last update I believe.

What can I say?, life has got in the way big time, I have moved into a supported accommodation household that is helping me learn the skills in order to have a life outside my bedroom walls.

As such, until recently, I have not had much chance to simply sit down and write, now however, with a computer practically to myself, I should be able to update at a faster rate than I did before.

This doesn't mean the updates will be quick however, I am at this household to learn the skills to better myself in the long run, so my focus will be on that.

I cannot promise you that the updates will come at a reasonable rate, But they WILL come.

Be patient my friends, I have no intention of abandoning this story, no matter what happens.

Here is some more interaction between the inquisitor and space wolf.

Also, the inquisitor finally gets a name, other than 'inquisitor'.

Enjoy! ;)

* * *

"Hey, inquisitor, you there?"

"yes, yes I am here, what do you want now?"

"you remember that drukhari we kidnapped?"

"captured, not kidnapped. What about her?"

"well…she's uhhhhh…well she isn't in the holding cells anymore..."

"i beg your pardon?"

"you heard me.."

"are you telling me there is a drukhari wytch running amok on my ship, lord astartes?"

"yup."

the inquisitor turned off his voxbead, gently moved his reports and data slates to the side, neatly stacking them in alphabetical order.

And proceeded to slam his face against the desk repeatedly.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH"

rubbing his bruised face, he stood up, put on his coat, grabbed his bolter and chainsword, and left his office in search of a half naked psychotic xeno.

Turning his voxbead back on, the inquisitor spoke.

"are there any traces of where she could be?"

the astartes's gruff but jovial voice answered.

"let me see . . . . there are the restraints that look like they were dissolved in some form of acid, probably a hidden vial the xeno hid on herself, no idea how considering she Is nuder than a slaanesshi cultist, the bars of the cell have suffered the same fate, but no sign of where she wen-. . . . hold on. . . . OK, yeah, I've found the guards."

the inquisitor grit his teeth, he had an idea of what had happened, but he wanted conformation.

"what state are they in?"

the marine responded.

"ever seen the after effects of an internal krak grenade explosion, mixed with Catachan grade acid?"

the inquisitor winced and responded.

"yes unfortunately. . . .Have you been able to find where she ran off to?"

"aye, looks like she's in the vent system, we could get the tech priests to flush some toxins into the system and kill her."

the inquisitor shook his head "no, we'll be putting the entire ship at risk if we did that, plus we need her alive if we ever want to find the STC fragment, try and track where she could be, then isolate her position, I'll have capture teams on standby to subdue her."

the space wolf responded after a moment.

"we space marines have superior hearing when compared to baseline humans, like yourself. us fenrisians are even more sensitive to sound and smell, for obvious reasons. Judging by what I can hear, it looks like she is making a beeline straight for the hangar bay, no doubt she intends to hijack a shuttle"

the inquisitor frowned.

"we're in the middle of a warp jump, it would be suicide to do such a thing, nevertheless, I'm contacting the magos in charge of the hangar and will tell him to put it into lockdown, including the vents in the area, with any luck, she'll be forced to backtrack, straight into our teams, we just have to pinpoint where she is exactly."

stomping footsteps and the odor of a wet hound announced the arrival of the space wolf.

As he fell into step with the inquisitor, he spoke.

"there are a lot of vents on the _Herald of dawn, _many of them intersect with one another, she could be anywhere, I assume you have a plan?"

the smaller man nodded.

"the tech-priests have total control of the ships sub-systems, the magos in the bridge is monitoring the entire vent system, so far the xeno has dodged all the life scanners"

they turned a corner, passing by a group of tech priests who were looking through the logs of a CCTV cogitator.

"she will tire eventually, not even an eldar can run forever, and when she does, we'll be waiting."

the marine nodded and then frowned as a thought came to him.

"what if she has left the vents? The hallways are much larger" he looked up at the ceiling "and higher, I may be able to spot a mote of dust from 100 yards away, but a drukari can become practically invisible if they want to hide from sight."

the inquisitor nodded in agreement.

"that is also a possibility, the entire ship is on total lock-down, the bridge, engine decks and hangars are locked down tighter than the eternity gate, if she tries to get in, we will know is seconds.

The stopped walking to allow a group of armsmen to pass by, the soldiers saluting them before continuing down the way the pair came from.

As the continued walking the inquisitor spoke.

"all crewmen on board have a pin on their uniform and Armour that shows up as a white spot on the sensors, It's no bigger than a grain of sand, anyone that doesn't have one will show up as a black spot, it's only a matter of time until the xeno slips up."

the marine nodded.

"with any luck, the knife ear will make a mistake, but it's never that easy with the eldar, is it?"

his companion nodded in agreement.

"as I said before, even an eldar will tire after a while. We have the advantage of knowing the area. She doesn't, the tarot deck is stacked against her, she'll be captured soon enough."

the astartes grunted.

"can you trust those odds?"

the man turned and looked him the eye.

"i trust the emperor, that is more than enough."

"and if he decides to have some fun at your expense? What then?"

the inquisitor frowned.

"then i'll roll with the punches, and get back up afterwards. If the emperor wishes to test me, then I shall not be found lacking."

"heh, don't let it be said that you are a pushover, Borealis."

borealis let a grim smile adorn his face.

"I've yet to meet a man willing to say it my face."

"what about xeno's?"

"they don't live long enough to regret their action."

the fenrisian laughed.


End file.
